i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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