my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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