i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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