She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dignity is for republicans.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
