Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
