They should really pass out barf bags in church
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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