Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
