I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
