he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
