Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
