He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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