Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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