my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
