haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
