Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
