we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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