at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
