There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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