i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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