____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
