all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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