:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's always time for handjobs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
