I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
