You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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