If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i will never coherently bang her
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
