dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
