Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
