tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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