gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
