Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
