to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
