Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
