I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
