every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
