I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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