I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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