No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
