Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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