Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
