my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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