here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
