I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
