Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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