I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
