Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
