Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
