I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
