I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
