i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
