i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
